DAVID
COPPERFIELD
PART 37
CHAPTER 37. A LITTLE COLD WATER
My new
life had lasted for more than a week, and I was stronger than ever in those
tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the crisis required. I continued
to walk extremely fast, and to have a general idea that I was getting on. I
made it a rule to take as much out of myself as I possibly could, in my way of
doing everything to which I applied my energies. I made a perfect victim of
myself. I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a vegetable diet,
vaguely conceiving that, in becoming a graminivorous animal, I should sacrifice
to Dora.
As yet,
little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness, otherwise than as
my letters darkly shadowed it forth. But another Saturday came, and on that
Saturday evening she was to be at Miss Mills's; and when Mr. Mills had gone to
his whist-club (telegraphed to me in the street, by a bird-cage in the
drawing-room middle window), I was to go there to tea.
By this
time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street, where Mr. Dick continued
his copying in a state of absolute felicity. My aunt had obtained a signal
victory over Mrs. Crupp, by paying her off, throwing the first pitcher she
planted on the stairs out of window, and protecting in person, up and down the
staircase, a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world. These
vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs. Crupp, that she
subsided into her own kitchen, under the impression that my aunt was mad. My
aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs. Crupp's opinion and everybody else's,
and rather favouring than discouraging the idea, Mrs. Crupp, of late the bold,
became within a few days so faint-hearted, that rather than encounter my aunt
upon the staircase, she would endeavour to hide her portly form behind
doors—leaving visible, however, a wide margin of flannel petticoat—or would
shrink into dark corners. This gave my aunt such unspeakable satisfaction, that
I believe she took a delight in prowling up and down, with her bonnet insanely
perched on the top of her head, at times when Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in
the way.
My aunt,
being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little improvements in our
domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be richer instead of poorer. Among the
rest, she converted the pantry into a dressing-room for me; and purchased and
embellished a bedstead for my occupation, which looked as like a bookcase in
the daytime as a bedstead could. I was the object of her constant solicitude;
and my poor mother herself could not have loved me better, or studied more how
to make me happy.
Peggotty
had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed to participate in
these labours; and, although she still retained something of her old sentiment
of awe in reference to my aunt, had received so many marks of encouragement and
confidence, that they were the best friends possible. But the time had now come
(I am speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills's) when it
was necessary for her to return home, and enter on the discharge of the duties
she had undertaken in behalf of Ham. 'So good-bye, Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and
take care of yourself! I am sure I never thought I could be sorry to lose you!'
I took
Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off. She cried at parting, and
confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done. We had heard nothing of
him since he went away, that sunny afternoon.
'And now,
my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'if, while you're a prentice, you should want
any money to spend; or if, when you're out of your time, my dear, you should
want any to set you up (and you must do one or other, or both, my darling); who
has such a good right to ask leave to lend it you, as my sweet girl's own old
stupid me!'
I was not
so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but that if ever I
borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of her. Next to accepting a large
sum on the spot, I believe this gave Peggotty more comfort than anything I
could have done.
'And, my
dear!' whispered Peggotty, 'tell the pretty little angel that I should so have
liked to see her, only for a minute! And tell her that before she marries my
boy, I'll come and make your house so beautiful for you, if you'll let me!'
I
declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty such delight
that she went away in good spirits.
I
fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all day, by a
variety of devices, and at the appointed time in the evening repaired to Mr.
Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a terrible fellow to fall asleep after
dinner, had not yet gone out, and there was no bird-cage in the middle window.
He kept
me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the Club would fine him for being
late. At last he came out; and then I saw my own Dora hang up the bird-cage,
and peep into the balcony to look for me, and run in again when she saw I was
there, while Jip remained behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's
dog in the street, who could have taken him like a pill.
Dora came
to the drawing-room door to meet me; and Jip came scrambling out, tumbling over
his own growls, under the impression that I was a Bandit; and we all three went
in, as happy and loving as could be. I soon carried desolation into the bosom
of our joys—not that I meant to do it, but that I was so full of the subject—by
asking Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could love a beggar?
My
pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the word was a yellow
face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or a wooden leg, or a dog with a
decanter-stand in his mouth, or something of that kind; and she stared at me
with the most delightful wonder.
'How can
you ask me anything so foolish?' pouted Dora. 'Love a beggar!'
'Dora, my
own dearest!' said I. 'I am a beggar!'
'How can
you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora, slapping my hand, 'as to sit there,
telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite you!'
Her
childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but it was
necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated:
'Dora, my
own life, I am your ruined David!'
'I
declare I'll make Jip bite you!' said Dora, shaking her curls, 'if you are so
ridiculous.'
But I
looked so serious, that Dora left off shaking her curls, and laid her trembling
little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked scared and anxious, then began
to cry. That was dreadful. I fell upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her,
and imploring her not to rend my heart; but, for some time, poor little Dora
did nothing but exclaim Oh dear! Oh dear! And oh, she was so frightened! And
where was Julia Mills! And oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go away, please!
until I was almost beside myself.
At last,
after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got Dora to look at me, with
a horrified expression of face, which I gradually soothed until it was only
loving, and her soft, pretty cheek was lying against mine. Then I told her,
with my arms clasped round her, how I loved her, so dearly, and so dearly; how
I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement, because now I was
poor; how I never could bear it, or recover it, if I lost her; how I had no
fears of poverty, if she had none, my arm being nerved and my heart inspired by
her; how I was already working with a courage such as none but lovers knew; how
I had begun to be practical, and look into the future; how a crust well earned
was sweeter far than a feast inherited; and much more to the same purpose,
which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence quite surprising to
myself, though I had been thinking about it, day and night, ever since my aunt
had astonished me.
'Is your
heart mine still, dear Dora?' said I, rapturously, for I knew by her clinging
to me that it was.
'Oh,
yes!' cried Dora. 'Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be dreadful!'
I
dreadful! To Dora!
'Don't
talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora, nestling closer to me.
'Oh, don't, don't!'
'My
dearest love,' said I, 'the crust well-earned—'
'Oh, yes;
but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!' said Dora. 'And Jip must have
a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or he'll die.'
I was
charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained to Dora that Jip
should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed regularity. I drew a picture of
our frugal home, made independent by my labour—sketching in the little house I
had seen at Highgate, and my aunt in her room upstairs.
'I am not
dreadful now, Dora?' said I, tenderly.
'Oh, no,
no!' cried Dora. 'But I hope your aunt will keep in her own room a good deal.
And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!'
If it
were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure I did. But I felt
she was a little impracticable. It damped my new-born ardour, to find that
ardour so difficult of communication to her. I made another trial. When she was
quite herself again, and was curling Jip's ears, as he lay upon her lap, I
became grave, and said:
'My own!
May I mention something?'
'Oh,
please don't be practical!' said Dora, coaxingly. 'Because it frightens me so!'
'Sweetheart!'
I returned; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all this. I want you to think of
it quite differently. I want to make it nerve you, and inspire you, Dora!'
'Oh, but
that's so shocking!' cried Dora.
'My love,
no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable us to bear much worse
things.' 'But I haven't got any strength at all,' said Dora, shaking her curls.
'Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip, and be agreeable!'
It was
impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up to me for that purpose,
putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into kissing form, as she directed
the operation, which she insisted should be performed symmetrically, on the
centre of his nose. I did as she bade me—rewarding myself afterwards for my
obedience—and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know how
long.
'But,
Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; 'I was going to mention
something.'
The judge
of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with her, to see her fold
her little hands and hold them up, begging and praying me not to be dreadful
any more.
'Indeed I
am not going to be, my darling!' I assured her. 'But, Dora, my love, if you
will sometimes think,—not despondingly, you know; far from that!—but if you
will sometimes think—just to encourage yourself—that you are engaged to a poor
man—'
'Don't,
don't! Pray don't!' cried Dora. 'It's so very dreadful!'
'My soul,
not at all!' said I, cheerfully. 'If you will sometimes think of that, and look
about now and then at your papa's housekeeping, and endeavour to acquire a
little habit—of accounts, for instance—'
Poor
little Dora received this suggestion with something that was half a sob and
half a scream.
'—It
would be so useful to us afterwards,' I went on. 'And if you would promise me
to read a little—a little Cookery Book that I would send you, it would be so
excellent for both of us. For our path in life, my Dora,' said I, warming with
the subject, 'is stony and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it. We
must fight our way onward. We must be brave. There are obstacles to be met, and
we must meet, and crush them!'
I was
going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most enthusiastic
countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed. I had said enough. I had
done it again. Oh, she was so frightened! Oh, where was Julia Mills! Oh, take
her to Julia Mills, and go away, please! So that, in short, I was quite distracted,
and raved about the drawing-room.
I thought
I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her face. I went down on my
knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced myself as a remorseless brute and a
ruthless beast. I implored her forgiveness. I besought her to look up. I
ravaged Miss Mills's work-box for a smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind
applied an ivory needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora. I
shook my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself. I did every wild extravagance
that could be done, and was a long way beyond the end of my wits when Miss
Mills came into the room.
'Who has
done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend.
I
replied, 'I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!'—or words to
that effect—and hid my face from the light, in the sofa cushion.
At first
Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were verging on the Desert of
Sahara; but she soon found out how matters stood, for my dear affectionate
little Dora, embracing her, began exclaiming that I was 'a poor labourer'; and
then cried for me, and embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all
her money to keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender
heart were broken.
Miss
Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She ascertained from me in a
few words what it was all about, comforted Dora, and gradually convinced her
that I was not a labourer—from my manner of stating the case I believe Dora
concluded that I was a navigator, and went balancing myself up and down a plank
all day with a wheelbarrow—and so brought us together in peace. When we were
quite composed, and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some rose-water to her eyes,
Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing interval, I told Miss Mills that she
was evermore my friend, and that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could
forget her sympathy.
I then
expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very unsuccessfully, to
expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general principles, that the Cottage of
content was better than the Palace of cold splendour, and that where love was,
all was.
I said to
Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know it better than I, who
loved Dora with a love that never mortal had experienced yet? But on Miss Mills
observing, with despondency, that it were well indeed for some hearts if this
were so, I explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to mortals
of the masculine gender.
I then
put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that there was or was not
any practical merit in the suggestion I had been anxious to make, concerning
the accounts, the housekeeping, and the Cookery Book?
Miss
Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:
'Mr.
Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and trial supply, in
some natures, the place of years, and I will be as plain with you as if I were
a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is not appropriate to our Dora. Our dearest Dora
is a favourite child of nature. She is a thing of light, and airiness, and joy.
I am free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well, but—' And Miss
Mills shook her head.
I was
encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss Mills to ask her,
whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any opportunity of luring her attention to
such preparations for an earnest life, she would avail herself of it? Miss
Mills replied in the affirmative so readily, that I further asked her if she
would take charge of the Cookery Book; and, if she ever could insinuate it upon
Dora's acceptance, without frightening her, undertake to do me that crowning
service. Miss Mills accepted this trust, too; but was not sanguine.
And Dora
returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I really doubted whether
she ought to be troubled with anything so ordinary. And she loved me so much,
and was so captivating (particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs
for toast, and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot
teapot for punishment because he wouldn't), that I felt like a sort of Monster
who had got into a Fairy's bower, when I thought of having frightened her, and
made her cry.
After tea
we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old French songs about the
impossibility of ever on any account leaving off dancing, La ra la, La ra la,
until I felt a much greater Monster than before.
We had
only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little while before I took
my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make some allusion to tomorrow morning,
I unluckily let out that, being obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five
o'clock. Whether Dora had any idea that I was a Private Watchman, I am unable
to say; but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played nor sang
any more.
It was
still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me, in her pretty
coaxing way—as if I were a doll, I used to think:
'Now
don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so nonsensical!'
'My
love,' said I, 'I have work to do.'
'But
don't do it!' returned Dora. 'Why should you?'
It was
impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face, otherwise than lightly
and playfully, that we must work to live.
'Oh! How
ridiculous!' cried Dora.
'How
shall we live without, Dora?' said I.
'How? Any
how!' said Dora.
She
seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me such a
triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that I would hardly
have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a fortune.
Well! I
loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly, entirely, and
completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard, and busily keeping red-hot
all the irons I now had in the fire, I would sit sometimes of a night, opposite
my aunt, thinking how I had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best
make my way with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used
to fancy that my head was turning quite grey.
To be continued
